Today I was scheduled to have an ultrasound at Slush’s office. This is as a result of my not having had a period in nearly six months, even with three rounds of drugs to make such a thing occur. For a while now, I’ve had a pretty good idea of what was going on, just based on how my body was acting. It turns out I was right.
I drank my required 40 ounces of water an hour before my appointment, and then was dumb enough to show up 25 minutes early. So, by the time I saw the ultrasound technician, I needed to pee as though I’d swallowed the Nile. The tech did a great job, and the ultrasound was a lot less painful then the last time, when a tech kept hitting my lowest rib (is that even near one’s ovary?) She was very nice, and told me a lot of what she was seeing, too. Or rather, not seeing. After an external and an internal ultrasound, we had an idea of what was going on.
At the beginning of a woman’s cycle, directly after her period, the endometrial lining should be around 2-3 mm thick. Mid-cycle, around the time that a woman ovulates, her endometrial lining should be around 12-14 mm thick. I am currently on cycle day 163, so mine should be around 42 feet, one would think. Instead, it’s around 3 mm thick. I have basically no lining. Consequently, I cannot ovulate, and even if I did, I would have no place to put the embryo, barring my pocket. Hence, no pregnancy for me. Apparently it’s a sign of an estrogen deficiency, which can be related to the almighty PCOS. Raise your hand if you saw that one coming. You can read a great link on thin endometrial lining here. Check out the last line in that article, if you want to know how I’m feeling. Did I mention there are new cysts on my ovaries, too? They were clear two years ago.
After the ultrasounds, I waited to see Slush. For about 45 minutes. Which means I peed about 6 times, to the amusement of the nurse. Finally Slush came in, told me what I already knew, and gave me some options. We’ll start with estrogen replacement, add more progesterone, and then Clomid. We’ll give that three months, then move on to Femara, which is more powerful than Clomid. We’ll give that three months, as well. If that doesn’t work, then Slush will refer me to the reproductive gurus in Charlottesville, as she called them. For high-powered ovarian stimulating drugs and intensive fertility treatments. She said to think positive, and hope that we don’t get there. I was hoping we wouldn’t even get to here.
I asked Slush for my actual chances of getting pregnant. She didn’t directly answer me, and she also wasn’t optimistic. However, she wasn’t directly pessimistic, either. She knows me too well to give me a percentage or a number to hang my hopes on, or to focus obsessively on in a negative light. I am completely numb at some points, and completely raw at others. I barely remember getting to Mom’s house after my appointment, and I don’t remember most of the afternoon. However, I can’t think too much, or I am easily overwhelmed with a crushing sadness that is very truly only understood by two people in my whole world right now. For Brian and Momma I am unbelievably thankful.
Tonight I went to the closing picnic for Bible school at church, and then for a very, very long drive. I needed to sing, drive fast, and smell the air in the valley. I watched the sunset, and then watched the ladybugs. I saw a few deer, but I did not count them. Okay, I did: four.
It’s amazing how I am totally destroyed inside, and yet have a kind of peace about this. I have totally expected this for years. I have suspected the root of the problem for about two months now. We’re not surprised by this finding, and we’ve discussed our options. We’ll not be going as far down the infertility road as some people do. Adoption is already on our short list, and we have accepted that we may never produce a child biologically. I don’t have to be pregnant. But I do want a child. And, for the record, I am married to an amazing man, in case you were wondering. I’ve cried a lot in the past 24 hours, and he’s been totally okay with that, and has done exactly what I’ve needed him to. It seems no matter how prepared you think you are, hearing some of these words is still awfully hard.
Saturday has to be better than today, right?!?!