For those of you who don’t know me in real life, I am the Queen of Bizarre Injuries. Well, maybe the Duchess – Yaya Princess is pretty capable of some bizarre ones, as I’m sure she’d tell you herself. Basically, I fall. A lot. If there’s an opportunity to bust my tail, I will. I have sprained my ankle numerous times. I fell from the top of a set of bleachers when I was 17. I have fallen up as many staircases as I have fallen down. I dislocated my kneecap last year by falling into my shower. I once fell in my parents’ shower and ended up with a bruise in the exact shape of their soap dish on my rear end. I am a champ at falling, trust me.
Felled By A Blueberry June 8, 2009
Also, when Brian is out of town, weird things happen to me. When we lived in the old house, we had a bad problem with wolf spiders. I’d link to it for you, but I’m too weirded out to even look at the results. Google it. They’re huge. When Brian would leave, the spider-count usually doubled. Considering we used to kill 6-7 daily, that’s a dozen spiders a day when Brian was gone. Once, my exhaust system fell out from under my car while Brian was away. Fell out, ya’ll. Invariably, he leave and the weirdness increases around here. See why I need him in my life?
This weekend was no exception to the rule. Saturday I had tons to get done, including grocery shopping, baking a pound cake for my cousin’s surprise birthday party carry-in, and taking cards to the store where I’m going to sell them. Running behind schedule, I went to the store to drop off cards and found they were closed already. So I headed to my favorite Super-Mega Buy In Bulk Store (you know the one!) to pick up some tea tree oil. I found they had it in the pharmacy a while back and needed some more. They don’t have it anymore, in case you’re wondering. I went bopping toward the door, headed for the natural foods shop a block over. I noticed something squishy that looked like fruit on the floor in front of the registers. Being prone to busting butt, I was careful to give it a wide berth. Ordinarily I’m the type of person to report this to the nearest store associate so it can be cleaned up before anyone can fall and hurt themselves. I was in a bit of a hurry and it never even crossed my mind. I feel kind of bad about that.
As I continued on past the membership desk, I moved to the left to pass a couple walking slowly. Literally the next thing I knew I was on the floor. I had felt my ankle turn under, realized that my foot had slipped in something squishy, and landed on my right knee (thankfully, my good knee!). I was immediately horrified, mortified, and embarrassed beyond belief. Only about 8,392 people saw me, though….
People immediately notified the folks at the membership desk who helped me sit down in the food court and called a manager. Everyone was very sweet. I learned that when someone falls, the first thing you must do is offer them a drink. I was offered three drinks in a matter of minutes. Unless they contained morphine, I didn’t need a drink. About 15 minutes later someone thought about ice. I filled out an accident report and was assured that someone from Liability will be calling me. Everyone was very sweet and helpful, and it’s not their fault that all I wanted to do at that point was scream my ever-lovin’ head off in pain. I called Mama and she picked me up, offered to take me to get a drink, took me home, and then took me to the ER. My ankle is sprained, of course. They x-rayed it, wrapped and braced it, gave me Darvocet and sent me home. I’ve been on the sofa or in bed since, moderately doped up. I’ll schedule this to post Monday morning, and I should be back to work by that point, if a bit gimpy. It’s amazing what a bit of rest, some ice, an Ace, and a lot of comfrey salve will do for you.
So what did I slip on? A blueberry. I know because in the middle of the fruit-squish I landed on was that weird little star-shaped thing that is on the stem-end of blueberries. Big, huge, Buy In Bulk blueberries. The really, really hilariously ironic thing is that I HATE BLUEBERRIES. Go figure.
Can someone please send my husband home before anything else goes cattywampus?