Yesterday I made a call I’d been putting off. It wasn’t affecting anyone else but me, and it wasn’t inconveniencing anyone but myself. I was only hurting myself, but I couldn’t do it. See, I have a lot of phone anxiety. A lot. I dread talking on the phone to almost anyone. Brian and I have talked about it. He hates talking on the phone because he does it every day at work and it’s usually a bad experience; someone is usually calling to bless him out for something. So he’s developed a pretty hearty aversion to the phone. I’d like to think that when I call him at work and he gets the page that it’s a pleasant little surprise when it’s me on the other end and not an angry customer or irate boss. At least I guess it would be pleasant except for when I’m calling to bless him out…. Anyway it’s nice to have someone who understands my phone fear.
Truth be told, I have a pretty healthy dose of social anxiety about everything. Being in direct sales for four years before I met Brian took care of a lot of that, but before that I preferred to stay to my carefully planned out script and then tend to replay conversations in my head for hours or days looking for ways I may have sounded like an idiot or offended someone. Being or feeling socially awkward was and is quite stressful. Direct sales helped that a lot and the experience has made me a little more comfortable around others. The phone, however, is one that I just can’t seem to move past.
This particular phone call is one I’ve been dreading because of what it signifies, and I’ll touch on more of that later this week. But I’ve found a billion reasons not to pick up the phone. Stupid reasons that have been outright lies to myself in many ways. Finally I had to bite the bullet and just do it. I looked up the contact, went through the automated menu, and left a message. A shaky, nervous, jumbled, and probably nonsensical message. I hate leaving a message almost as much as I hate talking to a human.
But I did it. I made that initial contact to take care of some things and now will have to answer the phone when my call gets returned. And then I’ll have to make another phone call to someone else to finish the job. My heart pounded a bit and my stomach felt queasy, but I’m still living, even though my heart is fluttering just from writing about it. And now I can move past this impasse and take the next step. Anxiety sucks and kind of hurts and makes me feel horrible, but every now and then conquering it provides a huge feeling of relief at finally doing whatever I was putting off. I put on my big girl panties, picked up the phone, and dealt with it.
The call I made?
It was to our fertility clinic to get meds to start a gonadotropin and IUI cycle.