Baileys Adventures

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…-Proverbs 17:22

Finding Our Path February 1, 2011

If I’m honest with myself, this is a post I’ve actually been looking forward to writing for some time. Have you ever felt a certain way but tried to convince yourself you felt something different because you thought you were supposed to?  I guess it’s lying to yourself, isn’t it?  I’ve been doing that.

At this point, we’ve been “trying” for three years, including two and a half years on some form of medication and treatment.  With 13 rounds of clomid and two cycles of injectible drugs to prepare for artificial insemination, it’s been a long road of trying to find the right combination of things to achieve pregnancy.  Obviously, we haven’t found it.  Now, I’m waiting on these stupid cysts to resolve so we can begin our third IUI cycle, a gracious gift from my parents.

Friday I went to the doctor to find out if my cysts were gone (they’re not) and to see if we were good candidates for a third cycle (we are).  Something strange happened there.  As he gave me bad but improving news about my cysts and good news about our chances for success, I realized that I was….disappointed.  Not that my cysts weren’t resolved, because I could have told you that already.  No, I was disappointed because he didn’t give me an out, and excuse, a reason not to go on with Round 3.  I realized that I had been pinning my hopes on the possibility that these cysts were a sign that I’m not cut out for gonadotropins.  I realized that I had been hoping that our success rate would be so low that it would be silly to go on.  I wanted to be able to say “We can’t do a third IUI.”  Because I didn’t want to do it.  I don’t want to do it.

That’s hard for me to admit.  It’s not hard for me to accept that I don’t want to — it’s hard for me to admit that to other people.  I’m supposed to push on, to persevere.  I’m supposed to stop at nothing to have my baby with Baileys eyes, good Hill teeth, and a brilliant little brain.  I’m supposed to strive toward a baby with my mama’s nose and Brian’s sisters’ figure.  A child who can sing but understands the writings of Hawking like his daddy.  I’m supposed to do it all for my possible child.  But at what cost?

Infertility has nearly destroyed us emotionally.  It’s tested our marriage, and it’s obliterated our finances.  When you add the other things that are going on in our lives, it’s nearly tipped the already precarious balance to a very scary place.  Some days I’m not even sure who I am anymore except in relation to infertility.  I’m learning to live with a load of guilt that I don’t anticipate will ever go away.  I’m learning to accept failure at something so basic it’s literally instinct.  As it stands right now, we can’t afford the scary stuff — a spate of bed rest would mean lost income that we can’t cover anymore because we spent all our savings.  A baby in the NICU could mean bills we would have no way to pay.  Physically, I’ve allowed PCOS — a disease, mind you — to have free reign in my body for three years.  I’ve gained an inordinate amount of weight from that, and on top of it I’ve added many cycles of what are basically steroids.  My health is great, but my body is a wreck.  At this point, I have to ask myself if being pregnant would be the best idea.    That’s a big question.

This isn’t a new thing.  Every few months we’ve made it a point to touch base and see if we felt that we were following God’s will and if we should continue. Obviously, if it was God’s will for this to work, I’d be pregnant, right?  Every time we’ve tried a new treatment or a new method, God has thrown up a road block.  Some we’ve told you about, some we have not.  Some have been minor — here’s six cysts for you! — but some have been major things.  Each time we’ve been able to see a road block pop up, either derailing us or sending us in a new direction.  Unfortunately we’ve usually seen it in hindsight.  This time we just had the foresight to stop and consult God before we jumped into IUI #3.   I talk a lot to Brian about the still, small voice.  This time, the answer was loud, and it was clear.  The relief we felt upon truly hearing Him can only be described as the peace that passes understanding.

10% of all couples who are of child-bearing age experience infertility.  Two thirds will go on to have biological children.  We are not in that group. At this point, we have made a very important decision and want to let our friends and families who have been involved in this process know where we are headed from here.  At this time, we will not be pursuing any further fertility treatments in hopes of pregnancy. While we will probably return to treatment in the future, it is not the path we are going to continue down in hopes of our first child.  We definitely want more than one child, and know that they will not all come to us in the same manner.  We are feeling very definitely led in this direction, and are making this decision after much prayer and discussion.

Instead, we will be taking a few months off to process and heal, and to generally give ourselves a break.  At this point our plan is to then pursue adoption through foster care.  We would ask that you continue to lift our family up through this process as you have through our infertility.  While it’s exciting, we know that it will also bring with it hard work and possible heartache, and a whole other set of circumstances.  I personally can’t wait.  I feel like I am walking the path the Lord has laid out for the first time in months.

After we decided this, I sat down to write a little note to our families and friends who had supported us.  As I told them, we want to take the time to thank you for supporting and praying for us for the past three years as we have tried to start our family.  This whole process would have been so much harder if we hadn’t had the support of so many of our friends and family, without the constant encouragement and interest.  This definitely includes my bloggity friends who have been just as instrumental in my survival.  I know that at times people haven’t known what to say, or haven’t understood what we were going through, but the fact that you were there has been more important than you will ever know.

As we move forward, first taking care of ourselves and then trying to find a small person to take care of, we’ll need you.  I’ll still need to vent, to think “out loud”, we’ll still need prayer.  This decision will never take away my passion for infertility and breaking the silence that surrounds it.  Infertility, baby loss, barrenness, childlessness — all these things still weigh heavy on my heart and I will never stop listening, posting, advocating, and praying.  Share your stories with me or ask for prayer.  Let’s just add a new facet….let’s learn about foster care adoption, y’all.

And from the very bottom of my heart — thank you and God bless every single one of you.

Advertisements
 

Avoiding The Hard Stuff January 12, 2011

So…I’ve been avoiding writing.

I can pretend that I’ve been really busy, but in reality I’ve been avoiding this.  Sure, I’m working on Spring cleaning our house (more on that in the near future), and I’m working on a blanket for a family member (Christmas Part Deux is coming up).  Sure, I’m supposed to be working on removing the lights from my formerly-pre-lit tree.  All of this is true.  But I’ve also been avoiding something.

I’ve been avoiding writing this:

I had my second IUI on December 29th.

And it was a failure.

There’s really not much more to say about it than that.  Two follicles and 83 million swimmers didn’t get the job done.  After much deliberation, discussion, some tears (a lot — who am I kidding?), and even a little reluctance, we’re doing a third one.

Except….

Not right now.  Because I’ve got six cysts on my ovaries.  So I have to take birth control for a little while to suppress them and quell the mutiny in my innards.   It’s not really bothering me — there’s literally nothing I can do to fix it or did to cause it. So I just have to like it or lump it, and deal.  These lovely cysts do explain why I have nasty cramps and feel bloated on a cycle day that doesn’t usually feel that way.

So that’s where we stand.  Kinda derailed for a little bit, but also given a little break.  Now, I’m off to watch Toddlers and Tiaras while I crochet my little fingers right off.  Thank you for listening, and for not minding if I’ve been ducking you!

 

Let’s Talk About IUI, Bay-bee December 16, 2010

Well, it definitely ain’t your grandma’s method of conception, but it’s not nearly as intimidating as I thought it would be.  I’ve said before that I want to be a source of information and encouragement to those facing infertility treatments .  So in the interest of all that, I’ll tell you about our first IUI.

When the Bravelle finally started working, it worked like gangbusters.  My only developing follicle went from 10 mm to 14.5 mm in 3 days, and from 14.5 to 19 mm overnight.  At that point, my estradiol number was 406.  All of this probably means nothing to you if you’re not in the middle of a gonadotropin cycle, I realize.  A follicle is the little fluid-filled cyst that holds a maturing egg prior to ovulation.  My clinic likes to see one or two mature eggs at 16-24 mm.  Estradiol is the estrogen produced by a developing follicle.  My clinic is looking for at least 250 before ovulation. So I was ready to roll six days after finding the right dosage. I was instructed to “trigger” on Wednesday, November 17.  I injected 10,000 IU of human chorionic gonadotropin that night, into my stomach.  Some doctors will have you or your partner inject this into a muscle like your butt or thigh.  Mine prefers that it be subcutaneously injected into the abdomen.  Easily done, as I’d had about 42 nights worth of injections to practice.  If you’re planning on using “timed intercourse”, this is your night.

The next day was a day of no injections or anything.  Just a laid-back Thursday around Baileysland.

Friday, November 19 was IUI Day.  We went to the clinic in the morning, and Brian registered for a collection room.  The semen were washed to improve motility and sorted to be sure that only the most perfect ones were injected. The actual washing takes about an hour, so we got lunch and milled around the hospital nervously.  When the sample was ready at the lab, I tucked it under my arm and we walked down the hall to the doctor’s office. I changed from the waist down and they did the procedure.

I didn’t find the IUI to be nearly as painful as a regular trans-vaginal ultrasound.  The speculum is never fun, of course, but that was the worst part.  The doctor inserted a tiny catheter into my uterus.  I understand this can be painful or sensitive for some women, but it really wasn’t an issue.  She inserted 30 million sperm with an 8% perfection.  She said 30 million swimmers is a great number for IUI, and that 8% perfection is about as high as they usually see.  They have very few men with 9-12% perfection.

After the procedure, which took about 10 minutes, I laid on the table for 20 minutes, and then went home.  I opted to take the rest of the day off and lie around.  I was quite crampy, but this is totally normal for me during ovulation.  I also found that I’m pretty sensitive to the hCG, because I was crampy, nauseous, dizzy, and sore for the next 11 days.

In interest of being informative, our costs broke down like this:  $228 for semen collection and sperm washing, and $117 for the IUI.  Not nearly as expensive as we had feared.  Brian’s sample was tested for anti-sperm antibodies, too, but we haven’t been billed for that.  It may have been covered by our insurance.

For this cycle, we had the following costs:

$1572 in office visits

Either @220 or $270 in medications (I lost track)

$345 for IUI

That was a little over $2100, not counting lost income, childcare for the Munchkins, and gas.  It was a very long cycle, to be fair.  Bear in mind that the cost at your particular doctor’s office may be different, but this should give you some idea if you’re trying to figure out how much this is going to cost you.

 

Lies I Tell Myself December 1, 2010

Filed under: Infertility,TTC — andreabaileys @ 10:54 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I told myself that I knew an IUI wasn’t going to work, so I certainly wouldn’t be hurt when it didn’t.

I told myself we were just doing it so we could say we tried everything short of IVF.  We had drawn a line for ourselves, and this would simply be our stopping point.

I told myself that I wasn’t emotionally invested in this IUI.  It wasn’t going to work, remember?

I told myself that I had resigned myself to not having children.

I told myself that I wouldn’t tell anyone when I had my IU, so that I wouldn’t have to face telling them when it was a failure.  Maybe just Mama, or my YaYa Princess.  Maybe one of my sisters in law.  But certainly not anyone else.

I told myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

I told myself I wouldn’t fantasize about telling our parents I was pregnant, or how I would tell my friends.  I wouldn’t imagine what next Thanksgiving would be like, or next Christmas. I wouldn’t plan for a child who doesn’t exist.

I told myself I wouldn’t stress through the Two Week Wait.  I told myself I wouldn’t analyze my “symptoms”.

I told myself that the cramps were a good sign, and certainly not the beginning of the end.

And now I’m telling myself that I’m okay with this, that it’s okay it was a failure.

I’m finding out that I lie to myself a lot.  Because I did hope, and I do want, and I am so very disappointed and sad.

I told myself we’d only do it once.

I lied.

 

Crazy Schedules October 29, 2010

Filed under: Baileys Adventures,TTC — andreabaileys @ 2:00 pm
Tags: , , ,

This has been the longest week….couple of weeks…month….whatever.  Brian has been working evening shifts, so he’s getting home between midnight and 2 most nights.  Even on days when he has to watch the kids or have an appointment, he’s usually in at noon and off around midnight.  I, meanwhile, do not sleep well when he’s not home and wake up when he comes to bed.  My nights have gotten very short!

On top of all that, I’m at the fertility gurus’ office every three or four days for an ultrasound and blood draw, usually around 9 AM.  That’s a two hour round-trip for a twenty minute appointment.  Including Saturdays and Sundays.  I know I haven’t posted much about it lately, but that’s because there’s just not much to tell. I’m not responding well to Bravelle, and am up to 2 vials nightly.  So far my follicles are only around 8 mm, and my estradiol has been dropping.  I’m praying for a better result this Sunday when I go, but I’m not getting my hopes up.  At this rate, we’ll burn through our money before we even get to an IUI.  As it is, we’re pretty sure we can no longer afford a second cycle unless this cycle progresses soon.  Meanwhile, the constant trips back and forth are getting tedious!  I as stuck in traffic for an hour the other day, and the two hour trip turned into four thanks to two wrecks on two interstates and construction.

This weekend we’re having our 4th annual Halloween party!  If you’re local, come on by!  I love hosting this party — Mama used to do it until her knees got bad and she couldn’t handle the preparations and trick or treating with all those stairs.  We took it over and now that her knees are fixed I don’t want to give it back!  The party gives us the chance to entertain at least once each year.  Which totally justifies my keeping a billion serving platters and giant bowls, right? However….there’s a lot of cleaning that goes into getting ready for a party!  I’m sure no one notices if your baseboards are clean…but I do.  So I figure I should clean mine in case anyone in attendance is as neurotic as me.  I just love the feeling of a clean house on the day of a party, and even more on the following day when I don’t have to worry about any housework!  I always say I’m going to take pictures of Halloween, and then I forget to actually do it.  We’ll see about this time.

When you’re praying today, please keep my YaYa Princess in your prayers. She is swiftly approaching her delivery of her sweet baby EB and could use some calm and serenity.  Likewise, we’re waiting on a phone call that will hopefully be life changing.  It’s not baby-related (we are multi-faceted around here) but just as important.  Thanks!

Happy Halloween!

 

Early Morning Doctor Visit August 10, 2010

Filed under: Doctor's Visit,Infertility,TTC — andreabaileys @ 1:00 pm
Tags: , , , ,

Monday morning found Brian and myself en route to the fertility clinic for a quick ultrasound and visit.  Since I didn’t ovulate last cycle, I needed Provera to start a new cycle.  You may remember that massive doses of progesterone have not worked in the past, and until I finally asked the doctor to check and see if I even had any uterine lining we just kept doing the same thing with no results.  Seems to be a trend for us.  So Provera has only worked twice for me, and I wasn’t holding my breath this time.

I finished the seven pill course on last Thursday and expected a new cycle over the weekend.  Since Brian will be in Lynchburg for the next two days I knew that if I wanted him to go along I’d need to make an appointment for Monday at the latest.  I arranged for a half day of vacation and we were ready to go.  Except for that part where my body didn’t cooperate with my timing and my new cycle hasn’t started yet.  So I was in Charlottesville for no real reason.  The doctor reminded me that Provera can take up to ten days to work, but the few times it’s worked for me it’s been almost immediate.  The ultrasound looked fine and we set down to talk about our options and the injectible gonadotropin cycle with IUI that we’re planning on doing next.

The basic plan for our gonadotropin cycle (called a GNT cycle at our clinic) is to go in on CD 1-3 for a baseline ultrasound (or CD 49, if you are Antsy Impatient Pants like me).  Then I will start with the injectible gonadotropins on a CD 3, 4, or 5.  I’ll inject whatever the dosage is every day.  I learned how to mix the meds, fill a syringe, and inject myself Monday at the doctor.  Every five days or so I’ll return to the clinic for an ultrasound and blood work to see how my eggs are doing.  This can take anywhere from 10 days to three weeks or longer.  We expect a dominant follicle or two to develop and when the doctor decides it’s “ripe” (seriously, it’s the word they use.  *shudder*) then I’ll do a trigger shot of human chorionic gonadotropin, or HcG.  It will cause me to ovulate in 38-40 hours so we can do an IUI at some point in that period.

During the IUI, the sperm are procured from Brian and then washed.  I’m serious.  I have images of them scrubbing his swimmers with tiny brushes and soap, a la the spa scene from The Wizard of Oz.  Anyway, they’re washed and then ready for insemination.  They’ll be dropped off in my uterus via a catheter about an hour later.  Then I’ll lie there for about 20 minutes before being sent home to wait the longest two weeks of my life.

That’s it.  That’ s our master plan at this point.  Unfortunately, there are a few monkey wrenches.  I’ll be out of town for two nights and two days at the end of August.  I somehow doubt that I’ll be able to make it from DC to Charlottesville for an IUI or any ultrasounds during that time, and asking YaYa Princess for the use of her spare room for baby makin’ would just be awkward, even for us.  So if we start this GNT cycle right now, we could be derailed by the only trip I take by myself all year.

The other monkey wrench is the price.  In a best case scenario with only two ultrasounds during the cycle and all my drugs being covered by insurance, each cycle will run a minimum of a thousand dollars.  It’s seriously expensive.  This is our pull-out-all-the-stops-balls-to-the-wall so it’s costly.  A GNT cycle in an of itself runs over $700 at this clinic.  If my drugs weren’t covered by insurance and we had to get them through the “budget pharmacy” at the clinic, it’s $55 per vial.  We’ll start with a conservative 25 vials.  You get the idea.

So, needless to say, money is a huge issue.  We have enough saved/allocated/moved around and finagled to do two cycles.  After that, we’re done until we can save $1000 more.  So this may very well be the beginning of the end.  If this doesn’t work, we’re probably done.  In light of this, we’ve decided to hold off until after my trip to DC so we have no giant plans standing in our way.  We’ll start our GNT cycle as soon in September as we’re able.

That’s it.  That’s our big plan, complete with timeline and cost analysis.  I personally spent much of yesterday in tears over the sheer  stress of it all, and knowing that if this doesn’t work we won’t be going any further.  It’s so strange to think that we’re putting all our eggs in a basket that isn’t iron-clad, and that when it’s over we’re done.

Hope you all have a lovely day, and that you can stay cool if it’s half as hot as it is here!