Baileys Adventures

A merry heart doeth good like a medicine…-Proverbs 17:22

Lies I Tell Myself December 1, 2010

Filed under: Infertility,TTC — andreabaileys @ 10:54 pm
Tags: , , , , ,

I told myself that I knew an IUI wasn’t going to work, so I certainly wouldn’t be hurt when it didn’t.

I told myself we were just doing it so we could say we tried everything short of IVF.  We had drawn a line for ourselves, and this would simply be our stopping point.

I told myself that I wasn’t emotionally invested in this IUI.  It wasn’t going to work, remember?

I told myself that I had resigned myself to not having children.

I told myself that I wouldn’t tell anyone when I had my IU, so that I wouldn’t have to face telling them when it was a failure.  Maybe just Mama, or my YaYa Princess.  Maybe one of my sisters in law.  But certainly not anyone else.

I told myself that I wouldn’t get my hopes up.

I told myself I wouldn’t fantasize about telling our parents I was pregnant, or how I would tell my friends.  I wouldn’t imagine what next Thanksgiving would be like, or next Christmas. I wouldn’t plan for a child who doesn’t exist.

I told myself I wouldn’t stress through the Two Week Wait.  I told myself I wouldn’t analyze my “symptoms”.

I told myself that the cramps were a good sign, and certainly not the beginning of the end.

And now I’m telling myself that I’m okay with this, that it’s okay it was a failure.

I’m finding out that I lie to myself a lot.  Because I did hope, and I do want, and I am so very disappointed and sad.

I told myself we’d only do it once.

I lied.